When Growth Feels Like Grief: The Duality of Becoming

How can you feel like you're being ripped apart and becoming whole at the same time?

I'm genuinely trying to understand.

My heart and soul feel shredded,

fragmented into pieces I barely recognize,

yet somewhere inside this ache, I still find myself searching for light.

A flicker.

A bloom.

Something to prove that beauty still grows in dark places.

But I’m tired.

Tired on a cellular level.

And yet…

I can’t give up.

Even when folding feels easier...

like a surrender...

I keep holding on.

Sometimes, all I want is to be held.

To feel warmth on this now desolate, echoing path.

I’ve got my eyes on the prize, always have.

But the soul?

It gets weary.

And sometimes, I want to collapse into softness.

As I write this, there’s a pain in my chest I can’t quite name.

Is it mine?

Is it someone else’s?

Does it matter?

All I know is: I’m doing my best to flow with the wave.

But I wonder... Is folding the same as flowing?

Maybe. But not for me. Not right now.

Right now, I need arms.

Arms to hold me up,

Not just keep me warm...

But remind me I’m not drowning alone.

xxxo,

Ci